


Lies and Deceit

by cadkitten



Series: Lies [1]
Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-21
Updated: 2012-11-21
Packaged: 2017-11-19 04:41:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/569208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaoru finds out his wife has pulled some pretty spectacular bullshit and he ends up turning to the one person he’s always loved, Die.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lies and Deceit

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gothic_hime](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=gothic_hime).



Some things never leave you behind and some tend to just fester until the wound is so deep and so prominent that you can’t possibly justify ignoring its existence. In my life, I’ve had very few of either kind. But there’s one that even my whole forty years on this planet, I have never once managed to get out of. Okay, so it’s really more like the past twenty or so years that it’s really hit home with me. But that’s still half of my lifespan that I’ve had one _huge_ thing in my life… that has gone horribly, horribly wrong, since day one.

Even as I sit here in my own living room, on my very own couch, I find that it just isn’t enough. This past year has been the very worst and the hardest to deal with, in all reality. Nineteen years of it being a nagging thought, a sour spot in my soul… and now this past year where it has turned into a hideous boil ready to burst stinking pus out all over my fucking life.

What is it that I’m talking about, you ask? Well… I’m speaking of my love and affection for someone I truly should not care so much about. You see… it’s Die that I’m in love with. It always has been, since the very first day he walked into my life and coerced me to join up with La:Sadie’s. From that first moment in time, he was the one thing I fixated on, the one person in the universe that made almost everything else instantly better. Except… I’m not gay. I never have been. I shudder at the thought of being intimate with another man. But my heart thinks otherwise.

It was bearable, it really was. It was perfectly fine until about a year ago. I just convinced myself it was how friends really felt and no one else ever talked about such things because it was just plain weird to discuss out loud. I told myself that a million and one times. But at the start of the New Year, something happened that changed everything.

We had all gathered together for the New Year, to bring it in as a group. Really, having so much time to spend with a single group of people, you grow to care about them more than most other people in your life, sometimes more than even family. Die and I had both been drinking an exceptional amount throughout the night, downing beer after beer, sometimes a shot or two of whiskey. No one else was even close to our level of consumption. And by the time the fireworks were going off overhead to ward in the New Year, something I’m still not sure if I regret happened. Die stepped closer to me, stumbling a little over one of his loose shoelaces. And when I caught him, he gave me this look that was like a deer caught in the fucking headlights of a car about to end its life. It didn’t even take me another moment before I just reacted. I kissed him.

And the thing is… I didn’t hate it. His lips were softer than most girl’s, his hand on my shoulder warm and comforting in a way that no girl’s has ever been. What got me was that he actually kissed me back. He didn’t freak out and try to get out of it, not in the least. We let it linger for almost a full minute before I finally pulled away from it. Maybe the most traumatizing bit of it all was that Kyo definitely caught us. When we looked up, he was frozen in the doorway, his mouth hanging open, and his eyes huge. I guess I should just be thankful he didn’t say anything to anyone else, that he never brought it up the next morning. But… then again, neither did Die.

And that’s been the cause of all the problems for me. See, I liked that kiss. I enjoyed it more than I had any right to. And I know my feelings… I even accept them now, but the whole thing just isn’t okay. For one… I’m married. And for two, I’m just not gay, so even if I decided to go anywhere with this, it’d be pointless in the end.

All the same, I’m sitting here now, relegated to the couch again tonight. Apparently I’ve been pissing off my wife more than usual lately. She’s screamed at me four times this week… and by screamed, I mean full-blown screaming matches where the neighbors call to see if we’re okay. Tonight… well… tonight was because of something I’m almost ashamed of. She’s been begging me to try to have kids with her. We’ve been together for three years now and she wants a family. I’m not so sure on the subject, especially with all the new and fairly overwhelming developments in my life. And she apparently has been putting holes in the condoms because I refuse to not wear them when we have sex.

I walked in on her with a needle, putting it through the condom package. And I think – reasonably – I flipped out on her. She told me how I’m being a huge douchebag and that we should already have a kid by all rights and standards if I’d just not wear the damn thing. And then she had the gall to tell me to get ready to have sex with her. There wasn’t any way in fucking hell I was going to let that happen.

In the end, I threw out all the condoms in the house and told her I wasn’t having sex with her until she decided not to be a crazy bitch. That… landed my ass on the couch. So I’ve been out here for three hours now, trying to even be tired. I can hear her snoring in the other room, obviously not nearly as bothered by any of this as I am. And that bothers me even more, honestly. How could someone do that to another person they claim to love? And it brings me to think what on earth I’ve ever seen in her.

Shakily, I reach out and grab my phone off the end table, unplugging it and lying down on the couch, holding it over my head as I pull up a new text. I enter Die’s number and do something I know I very well shouldn’t. But at this point, I can’t help it. I’m mad, I’m beyond frustrated, and frankly, he’s always been my go-to guy.

_Hey… you awake?_

_Yeah, I’m here. What’s up, Kao?_

_Girl and I got in a huge fight. Fucking bullshit._

_Oh? What this time?_

_… You wouldn’t believe me if I told you._

_Try me._

_Condoms… she put holes in the fucking condoms, Die._

_WHAT?!?!?! No. Just no. What in the fuck is wrong with her?_

_I have no idea. I’ve wondered that myself on many occasions._

_Fuck… dude… that just ain’t right. And after all the other shit? Aren’t you done yet?_

Those words strike me right where it hurts the most. The truth is… I am. I’m completely over this whole thing and if it were up to me and only me, I’d walk right out this door right now and never look back. But it’s not just my life. It’s hers too. And maybe I’m being a jackass and just don’t realize it. Maybe I deserve this kind of shit. Oh who am I kidding? I don’t deserve having holes poked in condoms for my own wife to try to get knocked up. That’s underhanded fucked up bullshit right there. Period.

_I am._

It takes him a good ten minutes to reply to me and when he does, I’ve already given up on it happening.

_Are you serious? Like 100% serious? As in getting divorce papers in the morning serious?_

I debate that one for a minute and then make the hardest decision of my life. All we do is fight anymore. In total, we just fuck up one another’s lives so badly that it hurts like sin. And this… this is the final straw. But I also know she won’t let go of me so easily, won’t see how her being the demon in my life makes me the demon in hers. Unless….

_Serious as a heart attack. But Die… I have something to ask you._

_Yeah?_

_Do you remember what happened on New Years?_

_Er… the kiss?_

_Yeah, the kiss. And… how did you feel about it?_

_Please god, tell me I’m not the reason your marriage is fucked._

_You’re not. I just told you about the condom shit._

_Okay… but is that all?_

_No. The rest is pretty personal, but basically we fight and shit all the time. And this is the final straw._

_Right… so… how did I feel about the kiss. Well… it was… a good kiss?_

_Oh?_

_C’mon, Kaoru! What exactly am I supposed to say here? Yeah, I kissed you. I fucked up and kissed you and I’m sorry that I might have given you my gay cooties. Is that what you wanted to hear?_

I stare at the phone in complete horror. This isn’t going at all how I wanted it to. Die’s freaking out on me and I have no idea why. I never said it was a bad thing, but… I never said it was good either.

_Die, stop freaking out. I don’t think you have… gay cooties. You’re amazing and sweet and… that kiss was fucking mind-blowing._

…. Are you telling me this now because you’re breaking it off with her?

Pretty much sums it up.

Okay. So… thanks? I think?

Oh my god, Die you’re so fucking dense. Argh!! I’m trying to tell you that I… I… god damn it. Meet me. One hour, our old diner.

I don’t even wait on a response. I just get up and manage to somehow put myself back together. Pants, socks, shoes, and a clean t-shirt. My jacket, pull my hair back from my face, and make sure I don’t look like a total hobo.

Within twenty minutes, I’m out the door and hailing a cab to take me where I need to go. It seems to take forever, but eventually I get where I’m going and the familiar worn-out sign of a little mom-and-pops diner greets me as I get out of the cab and pay for the ride. The cab leaves me standing on the curb, almost feeling like I should just bolt out of here and not look back. But no… if I’m honest with myself, I’ve known what I would one day do for a long time. And this whole fuck-up with my wife has just opened the door in all the right ways for me to do it.

I make my way inside and find him already waiting, sitting in the far back corner of the diner in the booth we used to inhabit almost nightly way back in the day. He looks up as I slip into the booth opposite him, a slightly unsure smile on his lips and confusion written all over his gaze.

There’s already a pot of tea on the table and two cups, Die obviously having already poured his own and he’s halfway through it. I pour myself a cup and sniff it, finding it to be his favorite, an orange sort that’s a bit on the sweet side. I take a sip and put it down, heaving out a soft sigh as I get ready to lay all my cards on the table.

“So…” he gives me an almost fearful look. “Are you… going to be okay?”

I just wave my hand a little. “We’ve been fighting a lot this past year. It was coming one way or another.”

He nods and wraps both hands around his tea cup, hunching over slightly to stare into his cup. “I see.”

It takes everything I have left in me to get the next words out, to force myself to say them, no matter the consequences. “I love you, Die. I’ve loved you since we met all those years ago. Every last time we’ve ever sat down at this table together… I have loved you.”

I can see him stop breathing for a second, then his throat work as he swallows thickly. And a moment later he takes in a huge breath and looks up at me, his eyes full of uncertainty. “Like… a friend, yeah?”

I slowly shake my head, not telling him more than that, finding it to be more than enough without words.

“I… oh.” He looks vaguely surprised and goes back to examining his cup for a few minutes. Finally, he looks back up at me, something new written all over his face. I’d almost call it pain. “Kaoru… why now? Are you just trying to hurt her?”

I blanche a little and look away, settling on staring at the salt shaker. “Not… just. I guess part of me wants to fuck her over as hard as she was trying to do me. But… no, it’s not just that. I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you ever since New Year’s. But let me tell you… it’s not easy to find a way to tell your friend and co-worker that you’re in love with them when honestly you’re not so sure about… well… to be blunt, how I feel about you being… a man.”

“Oh.” It seems to be a popular reaction tonight and I can’t really blame him for it. I’m not making all that much sense in my own head right now, so I must be making less to him given he can’t read my thoughts. He takes another drink from his tea cup and then he finally looks back up at me again. “I’m just going to be completely honest, Kaoru. Do I like the fact that you have interest in me? Yes. But… I don’t think now is the time. I don’t want to be your rebound and sure as hell don’t want to be the ‘mistake’ that ends your marriage. So, to be blunt, let me know when you’ve got those divorce papers finalized and… if you’re still interested and I’m not attached… then… yeah, we’ll see what happens.”

He drains the rest of his teacup and stands up, giving me a sort of sad look. With surprising grace, he leans down and gently kisses my lips, pulling back after only a second. “Let me know if that rated anywhere on the same scale as New Year’s. Because I’m also not going to end up your drunk fuck. I know it seems like my ballgame… but it’s not.” With that, he’s gone, out the door, leaving me and the rest of the tea behind to ponder what I’ve done and where I’m going in my life.  



End file.
